Loss, Growth, and Finding Love
Updated: Dec 14, 2019
Hello everyone! I'm checking back in after a long hiatus, during which I was processing through some big changes and growth in my life. The last 6 months have brought obstacles, self-assessment, reassessment, reestablishment of boundaries, and some renewed invigoration for my practice, and for work in the spiritual community. I'll be spending the next few months sharing some of what I've learned. Starting with -
Spiritual Growth Comes in Many Forms
And it isn't always sitting on a meditation pillow in a state of calm assessment of one's life. When challenges break us down to the point of being able to be changed by them, it's not pretty. The last 6 months have been hard. Really hard. There was crying, and I mean crying. UGLY CRYING. We've all been there. 2 boxes of tissues have done nothing to stop the tidal wave of human emotion making it's way out of your body via all kinds of grossness. And all you can do is wait until it stops so that you can reach some semblance of rational thought again. Sometimes, growth looks like that. It's not pretty, but it's still beautiful.
I'm sure the Norse Goddess Hel knows that growth can sometimes feel like death. Growth often requires the death of one thing to make way for something new, and there is the mourning stage for what we've lost. Birthing something new in its place can be just as traumatic. As miraculous as it is, Childbirth is also messy, gross, and painful. Expansive Growth reflects this in many ways. There's screaming, there's bodily fluids, there's pain, and finally, there is the calm afterwards.
Letting Go
At some point in this process comes a point when we suddenly feel we can take a deep breath and submit to the situation we are facing. Whether it is a submission to our higher self, a submission to circumstances we cannot control, or submission to that which is greater than us. Regardless, it feels.. better. Not great, but better. Our muscles stop clenching, our tears stop flowing, and the anvil on our chest is lifted. We may go get a shower, or something to eat. If we're moving through this process properly, this is where self-care starts.
Acceptance has begun, and healing can start soon. I've been through this a few times. Loss does this. Whether it is a loss of someone close to us, loss of a Great Perhaps, loss of oneself, or loss of an aspect of identity. One of the things I've been working through these last six months is the loss of a parent. Not to the cold sting of Death, where my Lady Hel welcomes a loved one into her Hall of the Beloved Dead, but to a worse enemy: unprocessed trauma.
Generational Trauma
My mother experienced consistent familial trauma since childhood. Overtime that unprocessed trauma became abuse. I finally recognized it for what it was in the last couple of years and tried to talk to her openly about it. Each and every time, the blame was placed squarely back on me. Whatever my mother had said, I had caused her to say. Whatever pain I was feeling was due to my own sensitivities. Finally this year I made a commitment to put my health first, even though this would require me to have a hard talk with my mom about our relationship and whether or not we could have a healthy one going forwards with boundaries and love. Once again, the fault was placed on me and my boundaries were refused. But this time I fully accepted her "no."
Acceptance
If there's anything I've learned, it's that acceptance is a process. There may be less intense external reactions, but the pain is not over and done yet. That takes time. One that I'm not all the way through yet. In this particular situation and in other things that I've been processing. The important thing is the recognition that you can only be responsible for your own acceptance and healing. At this point, it isn't selfish to focus on self-care and recovery, it is the only option. It took me a long time to accept that no matter how many years I spend in therapy, how many psychological self-help books I read, there is nothing I can do to help anyone else process their own trauma. There comes a point when we come to personal acceptance through all that pain. Acceptance that we have done everything possible to maintain that relationship in a healthy way. Acceptance that the other person has said "no" through their words or their actions to our request for a healthy relationship. And the acceptance that we cannot change it. There comes a time where we can no longer internalize or accept guilt for something that is not ours to manage.
Release the Bonds of Guilt
Look at the Eight of Swords (above) - A woman stands in the center of a circle of swords. She is blindfolded and bound, but her hands are free. At the moment of that acceptance, it's as though invisible bonds are loosened. They were of someone else's construction, but by agreeing to the Guilt, we put them on ourselves. As soon as we make the decision to release them, they fall away bit by bit, and we can begin healing. The waves of pain become easier to manage, even as we may feel true sorrow and compassion for the person who wove those bonds of guilt twist by twist. It's an important lesson that compassion for another person doesn't require us to shoulder their guilt or wear those bonds. And putting them on won't somehow free the other person. A person can only release their own bonds, such as they are. We can lead others to love and to health, but ultimately the responsibility is up to them.
This is like Letting Go 2.0. Real recognition that the pain, nor the guilt, were ever your responsibility to bear in the first place. It's been some time since I last spoke to my mom, and letting go of the pain and the guilt is a journey. I have to keep reminding myself of this, but at least I've begun shedding these bonds. This biggest lie I ever accepted is "I need to be ready to receive pain if I want love."
Love welcomes validation, compassion, boundaries, self-examination, and most importantly healing in each person. Always.
When I freed up the space for it and allowed it to flourish, I found this kind of love- in new friends, new family, and in other people who are healing. You can too.
Embrace Love - whenever, wherever it arises,
🖤 Elisa
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